Mum Love

I have about four half written posts at the moment, that are just a bit hard to write, because they are personal and emotive for me. I keep writing a little bit more every so often, but I think when they are emotive, it is harder to get it right and that for me is important. So I thought I'd go with a positive post for today!

I don't post as often as I would like, this is for two reasons. I want to only post things that are truly valuable and meaningful. I am not looking to churn out 17 posts a week, ever. I write when I have a good idea and something I think (hope) people want to read about. I endeavour for it to be more than it currently is and as my little darlings get bigger, hopefully it will be! It is also because... children. I am absolutely in awe of other mummy bloggers who can sit down a blog, or vlog or edit most evenings once their kiddies are in bed. I can do that some evenings, but not most. This leads me nicely on to the topic of this article...

Mum Love.

As Mummies, we face a lot of criticism and judgement, whether it is real or just perceived, or just our own mummy guilt. Since I started blogging, I have found this wealth of other mummy bloggers... there are millions of us and they are just fab. I'm sure there are some seedy, dark corners of the mummy blogger world who are judgey and telly... and I really hope that isn't how I come across. But largely, they are fab. I read about mums with similar experiences. I read about mums with very different experiences, broadening my horizons and perspectives. I see how honest people can be in a world of insta perfect pictures, with comments under of 'then he threw all his lunch on the floor and pee'd his pants'. I love this. Yes to honesty. Yes to real life, real mums, real dads, real families. Most importantly, I read about mums who champion other mums! 

YES! 

How wonderful is that. 

It is always important to remember when browsing instagram or Facebook, or social media generally, that a picture is but a snapshot of their day. Chances are they have picked the best moment of their day to showcase. Which is lovely! I love looking at nice pictures or gorgeous babies and families, who doesn't! But I remember that they too sometimes have to get weatabix out of their hair, or vomit out of their cleavage. In fact, I love those pictures more, because who doesn't love feeling that they are not alone when they are staring at a toddler who has hurled themselves on the floor because you got the green shoes out instead of the blue ones...

I'm currently a huge fan of Scummy mummies, if you don't follow them or listen to their podcasts, you should start. They are funny and so real. They chat to real and celeb mums and address real life with such a fabulous attitude. Dress like a mum and Muther Pukka are also just wonderful and make me feel great, dress like a mum has such a down to earth attitude and always looks fabulous in an effortless, cool way. I want dungarees because of her. She makes me not feel bad about wearing what makes me comfy as a mum, but at the same time makes me want to be a little more adventurous with my mum uniform. Mother Pukka is currently campaigning for better flexible working and started #parentfail which is fundraising for @righttoplayintl, a very worthwhile charity (check them out here) who among other things, use play as a mechanism for educating children in poverty. 

There are a ton of fabulous mums that I'm following in total awe and these are just three (well four as scummy mummies are a duo!) If you aren't someone who reads blog articles often just start by taking a look at these chicks because they are such a positive force of mummy hood you will love them and want to be them. 

Mum love to all.

NQP

x

teething necklace

A review of Gumidrops necklace by Gumigem

Before I had Camille, I thought teething necklaces were such a 'non essential' item, made for the parents who have all the gear and no idea... so I'm guessing either I've joined that club and I should hang up my Mary Poppins handbag or they in fact do have a place in this world! Lets hope it's the latter. 

Camille, at just 4 months started teething terribly; the poor little mite puts everything in her mouth and chomps on anyone who puts an unsuspecting finger near her. I'm not sure my nipples are going to make it out of this breastfeeding journey in tact! Seb wore an amber anklet all the time, with the theory that Baltic Amber produces an analgesic effect on the gums...  I had the mantra that it wasn't doing him any harm and largely wasn't even seen as it was under a sock or a baby grow. He very rarely had any teething issues so naturally I'm an advocate of it! Camille is wearing one too but still puts everything in her mouth and periodically appears to be in pain - so the jury is out on that one.  With child number two, I am naturally out of the house far more often, on the school run, at soft play centres, on farms; Camille like most babies has a penchant for throwing things on the floor. I am absolutely not a germiphobe - I am a pick-it-up-and-blow-on-it kinda mum; but when a baby toy is dropped on the farm I have to draw the line! So I now totally see the logic behind a teething necklace. 

So here I am, completely converted, wearing a frankly very stylish teething necklace. I opted for the gumidrops necklace by Gumigems, in 'pearl berry' style.  It is knotted carefully between each bead so if it were to break they wouldn't all fall on the floor or more importantly in your babies mouth. It does up with easy breakaway clasp on the back, like a lanyard - this has proven really handy as my toddler has accidentally pulled it a few times! And I have got it caught on things once or twice (I'm not clumsy, I don't know what you're talking about...!) and it's just popped undone - no strangulation for me! 

Camille loves it - which is really what it's all about. The silicone is both soft but firm enough for her to squish her gums into, easy for her to hold on to and of two different shapes, one better for holding and one better for chewing. I love putting it on knowing it looks like I'm just 'finishing' my outfit, something I absolutely never remember to do normally... But you and I know I'm really just wearing a toy!  People are frequently surprised that it is for teething and not just a fashion item which is cool and testament to the product. It is just lovely to know that it isn't going to be dropped on the floor, it can be sterilised, hand washed and can even go in the dishwasher. 

Gumigems have a huge variety of necklaces, bangles and teething toys... I'm just choosing which one I'd like next...! 

Find yours here...

www.gumigem.co.uk 

NQP

x

(This is not a sponsored review) 

Bonding - loving until your heart hurts

Before I had my son, I was worried about bonding with him or suffering from post natal depression. As a nanny I have loved and adored many children in my care and growing up as a carer for my younger sister with Down Syndrome, I loved her in a way that was more than just sisterly. Could I love my own child more than that? Would it feel different? Should it?

As it turns out, with Seb I needn't have worried. The moment he was born and placed on my chest I was utterly besotted and totally in love. I used to (and still regularly do) tell my husband that Seb made my heart hurt with love. When I fell pregnant the third time (following a miscarriage in the middle) I just assumed it would be the same. Why on earth wouldn't it be? 

After a much more difficult pregnancy (leaving me on bed rest for the last 4 weeks) I had the birth I wanted (read about that here) followed by a pretty grim post part haemorrhage. I had ten precious minutes of skin to skin with my baby girl in the birth pool before I was whipped onto the floor (I was at home - not just some shady backstreet hospital) and my midwife stemmed the bleed. I remember someone offering to put Camille on me, but I was weak, unable to really lift my arms and incredibly dozy; so I didn't think it was a good idea. With hindsight maybe I should have held her then. 

I next held my baby girl a good 2 hours later in hospital and this was the first time I could breastfeed her. It was magical and she nailed it like a superstar. Im very fortunate that in spite of the haemorrhage my milk still came in on day four as it should, some women aren't so lucky. I did my absolute best to bond with this gorgeous baby and it helped that because of the blood loss (and no transfusion) I had to be on bed rest for a week, however, I felt so dreadful and weak that it wasn't particularly 'special time' for us. On day 6 I had an ovarian cyst haemorrhage internally which led to another stay in hospital and some more feeling totally crap. 

So all in all, not the best start for us both. 

At three weeks I realised that I didn't feel for Camille, what I felt for Seb. Someone said to me when we were out introducing her to people 'Oh, I'll give her back in a minute, I remember that feeling of other people holding my newborn - it's lovely but secretly you can't wait to get them back.' I remember that feeling too - with Seb. It dawned on me then that I did not have those feelings for Camille. I was heartbroken. I tried to rationalise that I love Seb for the person he's become and that it isn't instant. But the reality was, I loved her because it is in my nature, because I would do anything for any child, but that was just it... she could have been any child. I would go through the motions with her, feeding, changing, winding... But I didn't have that love that makes your heart hurt and that in itself, hurt. 

How could I not be head over heels in love with this precious bundle?  

(credit Natasha Hanna photography)

I did some searching online and thank goodness for the online community of sharers (I genuinely don't know how people hacked parenting before the internet) I found I wasn't alone. It appears fairly common to have bonding issues both second time around and following post natal complications. 

I then made a very conscious effort to do these things -  

1. Skin to skin. Whenever I could. It was a faff whilst also looking after a toddler and attending his classes, as it turns out, you can't get naked at trampolining class! So skin to skin largely happened in the evening once Seb was in bed and we had time for a good cuddle. 
2. I made time for her. To stare lovingly into her eyes like you do with your precious first born. I made sure I used the time when Seb as at pre school to really focus on her. The washing could wait.
3. I gave myself time.  Birth is a natural and wonderful thing. But it is also pretty traumatic for your body and it takes time to heal, particularly when there are complications or illness. I knew I would love her like Seb in time. I focused on a positive future. 
4. Baby massage. The health visitor also suggested baby massage. It is definitely worth talking to your health visitor if you think you are struggling to bond with your baby. They won't think you are a bad mother and they will try to help. I was offered free baby massage sessions at a local children's centre, so cost doesn't even have to be an issue.  It was tricky for me to get to the classes offered with a toddler in tow so I instead started to include some baby massage in my bath routine and have signed up for a baby sensory class (while Seb is at pre school) as a nice one to one activity for us to share. 

Some weeks later, I looked one evening at her lying sound asleep in her cot and my heart ached for her. I cried with joy, as this was the feeling I had been waiting for. I just needed to get to know her a bit better.

The moment I felt my heart ache for her

We are now 4 and a half months in and I absolutely adore her. She is beautiful, expressive and very giggly. There were moments I feared this day wouldn't come, but they were absolutely worth waiting for. 

NQP

x

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Routine

Honest.

Sometimes, when people tell me my babies are 'good', I sort of want to shout... 'NO! I've worked on having a routine that works for us!!' But usually I smile coyly and instead spout something about being very lucky.  In recent years some parenting guidebooks have terrified new parents away from routine and leaving them to fend for themselves. All right, maybe a little dramatic, there are lots of guides that suggest different ways to establish a routine but generally the feedback I get from new parents is that it is a little overwhelming and over complicated.

It doesn't have to be. It is really simple. Decide how you want your day to work with feeds and sleeps and then label that your perfect day. You cannot have a perfect day everyday. This is fact. Babies are humans and some days they are hungrier, some days they are sleepier and some days they are just plain grumpier. If your routine goes to pot then shrug it off and start again tomorrow. It is never the end of the world and it certainly shouldn't be something to fret about.

Now... I have to be honest with you and admit that I LOVE routine. For myself. To my detriment sometimes. I am that person who always gets on the train in the same place (the perfect and most appropriate place on the train), my morning routine (pre children) was timed down to the minute (i.e. 6.27, brush teeth)... I hate myself a little for admitting this out loud. So I get that I am maybe a little extreme. But the reality is, babies also love and crave routine. From incredibly early on they learn a pattern, i.e. when I wake up, I get fed; or when I am given this snuggly toy, it is time to sleep. Giving your baby signals is comforting and means that the day isn't a constant surprise to them. This world is entirely new and baffling to the little cherub, so any familiarity is a source of comfort.

I like to aim for a four hour routine (it should never be more than four hours bar one long stint over night). My son got on board with this almost immediately, my daughter was on a three to four hour routine for much longer and still at 16 weeks flits between the two.

Ideally, my day would look something like this -

7am - Feed
8am - Sleep
11am - Feed
12pm - Sleep
3pm - Feed
4pm - Sleep
7pm - Feed
8pm - Sleep
11pm - Dreamfeed

But your timings may work better with a 6am or even an 8am start. As I mentioned, Camille couldn't hack 4 hours between feeds, she would sometimes feed at 7am and then 10am. And that's cool, because that is what worked for her and we made it work for us as a family. But knowing roughly when she was going to feed means I can do stuff with my big boy, I can travel at good times and I can plan feeds to work with the school run. 

At about 10/12 weeks, babies can manage a little longer awake. Camille now spends an hour and a half awake at each window. I tend to put her down in her pram for her sleeps in the day, this allows me to go out when I need to (particularly necessary with Seb and school runs for my niece and nephew) but also it makes rocking her back to sleep easy if she stirs. Babies commonly stir somewhere between 20 and 40 minutes into a sleep, this is totally normal and is to do with their sleep cycles. It doesn't mean that they want to wake up fully after this time as twenty minute cat naps are not great for anyone, especially a baby.

The third sleep in the day is always the first to shorten. This allows babies to have their awake window before the night time sleep. Camille is more of a grazer feeder than Seb and because of this she has settled to do a split feed at this time. So she will often wake somewhere between 4 and 5 and want a small feed, she will then feed again at about 6.30/45 before going to bed. This is a really good example of where knowing and being able to read your child is paramount to a good routine. There isn't a one size fits all routine for babies, or adults for that matter!

I have helped many families establish routines with their babies (both newborns and older) in the past. If you are interested in establishing a routine for your family and want a bit of guidance, do get in touch and we can work out what works best for you!

NQP

x

Baby Number 2

So I have have spent the last few months buried under a pile of never ending washing that newborns seem to bring with them. Which has resulted in very little blogging... prior to that I was in a pit of depression about my SPD/PGP (post on that to come...).

Most importantly, I now have a gorgeous baby girl, Camille. Seb is being a wonderful big brother and absolutely adores her... admittedly she isn't trying to nab his toys yet... so I'm sure we have all that fun to come!

Best big brother

I had an absolutely amazingly perfect home birth. It was everything I hoped for. When I woke in the night for the third time, I realised that the pain I was feeling wasn't just SPD pain but in fact was the start of contractions, I remained calm though inside was bouncing up and down with excitement... my little girl was on her way! I managed, to his delight, not to wake the husband until 4am and that was only to let him know that I was in labour. He went back to sleep for a while after that whilst I listened to my Natal Hypnotherapy in a bid to continue to rest and get myself in the right frame of mind. My midwife arrived in the early morning and Seb woke up. We packaged him off to next door and Mr NQP set the pool up in the living room. At this point the contractions were still all over the place and not particularly strong. I found, unlike my first labour, that I was most comfortable lying down. 

Team work, through the contractions

'Do what your body tells you!' my midwife reminded me. So off we went to bed... I think we watched some friends episodes while everyone left us to stay in the calm. It wasn't long before they ramped up a gear and Friends just wasn't cutting it anymore! My midwife came back and upon seeing a contraction suggested maybe I should get in the pool! 

The pool was absolute bliss, so incredibly relaxing and just so comforting to be in my own home with the people I had chosen around me. As it was a home birth I was able to have loads of people, so as well as my husband and midwife, by the time I was in the pool I also had my mother, mother in law and just in time to see the delivery, my sister in law. Established labour for just three hours and my beautiful vernix covered baby arrived safe and sound. 

Happy, healthy baby girl

I had opted for a physiological third stage, this means no immediate injection of oxytocin to encourage the uterus to contract. I also had wanted delayed cord clamping but as the cord was fairly short and we were in water, after 10 minutes I asked for it to be cut as I was finding it hard to not drop Camille back under the water! A few moments later I had the urge to push, the placenta was delivered and unfortunately it was all downhill from there. I suffered a post partum haemorrhage and lost an estimated litre and a half of blood. However, if anything, this shows how safe home births can be. My dream team were quick to action and I was got carefully out of the pool and laid on the floor. The lovely, doting Grannies took Camille to dry and dress her and I was given synthetic oxytocin to stem the bleeding. An ambulance was called to get me to hospital. By the time the fabulous paramedics arrived, I'm told the bleeding was under control and they calmly took me off to hospital for fluids. I was fairly dozey throughout this, I felt very safe with my dream team, but a little like I was watching from the outside. I think at one point I asked if there was anything I could do, but was told fairly firmly just to lie still!

Once in hospital, I was well looked after by some lovely doctors and midwives, given some fluids and more syntocinon via IV to ensure the bleeding had well and truly stopped and had some clots removed, this was by far the worst part of the whole process and the only thing I needed gas and air for! This whole process, though entirely necessary, was a little gutting as it meant I then had to spend the night in hospital which is what I was desperately trying to avoid! Camille was brought in by my mother in law and sister in law and I had a little cry as I saw her for the first time since the birth a few hours before. We shared lots of hugs and I fed her for the first time. 

First feed and skin to skin

When we were eventually discharged from hospital the next afternoon armed with iron tablets and a promise to take it easy. We took our little Camille home to meet her big brother. The next couple of weeks were pretty tough, she was an absolute trouper but I found my continuing bed boundness (not a word...) extremely frustrating. But with very low iron, I really needed to rest. I was so sick of bed already but this was the only way I was going to get better!

I am incredibly lucky to have an incredibly supportive family, especially my husband. He was an absolute rock during labour, always doing the right thing at the right time and remaining remarkably calm, even at a time that was more than a little scary for him. So a huge thank you to him and all the family for their marvellous love and support.

So here she is at 16 weeks (oh my goodness, where does the time go) and she is an absolute angel. The smiliest girl I know and absolutely perfect (I promise, I'm not biased...) I hope to carry on giving you some insights into parenting, how I see it, my top tips both as a nanny and as a mother and hopefully some giggles along the way. 

NQP

x

Why I hate car seats

OK, hate is maybe extreme.

But I do have a strong dislike for them and more importantly, how completely uneducated our country is on car seats and their safety and purpose. 

Our society has changed dramatically in the last generation or two. Thanks to cars and motorways we now have the luxury of being incredibly mobile, we travel great distances around the UK daily. I travel approximately 6 miles to take my nephew to school, so that is a minimum of 24 miles a day in the car for Seb. He has to get in and out of the car more times a day than I would like, but we chose to live somewhere relatively isolated for the benefits of living in a rural village. We reap the benefits of living on a green with a playground opposite, he goes to pre school across the green and one day will hopefully attend the school next to it. But I care for my gorgeous and niece and nephew, so that means Seb is treated as though he is the youngest of three and that means he sometimes has to do some trekking around after them. (This is not all bad, it is very good for children to learn that it isn't all about them all the time!)

Prams and travel systems are now made with these handy little add ons for mums and dads to attach their car seat to their set of wheels so they don't have to lift their child in and out of a car seat constantly. But WAIT. That means, a baby can stay sitting (and lets just remember that new born babies can't sit unaided... for a reason) in a car seat for potentially hours... you could go and get your shopping done, pop them in the trolley, back into the car, into the house because the little one has fallen asleep and you can just leave them there while you get some jobs done, back out in the car and out to meet a friend. Ok, so that is maybe extreme and hopefully even car seat lovers don't leave their babies in their car seat for that long (presumably during that time they would need a nappy change and maybe a feed... though if it is a bottle you could just do it in the seat...) But hyperboles aside, car seats make it a little easy to allow your baby to sit in a very unnatural position for far to long. I hate to be dramatic, but the risks to your baby can be severe. 

Bestbuggy.co.uk give this scarily long list of the risks to infants whilst sitting in a car seat 

What are the risks of having an infant in a baby car seat?

Plagiocephaly – ‘flat head’ syndrome.
Adverse cardiorespiratory effects – respiratory and heart rate increases
Increased reflux – some babies with reflux are better sat up, for other babies the pressure placed on the abdomen, in an upright position, can make reflux much worse.
Bradycardia – a slower pulse rate than is typical which can lead to problems with breathing, dizziness, nausea and fatigue.
Oxygen desaturation - less air reaches the lungs, which causes lower levels of oxygen in the blood.
Positional asphyxiation – the baby’s head falls forwards so that the chin is on the chest. This cuts off air flow to the lungs which leads to death.
SIDS – Sudden infant death syndrome is where there is an unexplained reason for the death. The upright seating position in a car seat could be a contributory factor in an increased number of deaths where babies were not placed on a firm mattress. Limiting the amount of time a baby is asleep in a car seat is a risk factor which could be removed.
Restricted growth of internal organs –  Babies grow when they are asleep. If a baby is regularly asleep scrunched up in an infant carrier, then their internal organs e.g. lungs will not expand fully and grow.
Spine development is inhibited - the continuous curved position of the spine affects vertebral growth.
Muscle wastage - the muscles in the baby’s back are not used properly in the curved position. This will affect the long term stability of the back.
Motor Skills could be impaired – if the spine and back are not developed properly.
After months in the womb, a baby needs the early months, to unfurl, stretch out, and allow optimum growth.

Terrifying huh. So before you go and buy those handy little clips so you can pop your maxi cosi (other brands are available) on your wheels. Just think... is it worth risking all of these things? This family talk about dealing with the loss of their child after he was put to sleep in his car seat and found cold and blue a short while later, so preventable and completely down to ignorance. Terrifyingly, this child lost his life at a nursery, where you would hope the staff would be more knowledgable. But really this just harks back to orriginal point, that we are all incredibly ignorant and uneducated on the safety of children in car seats. 

Now lets be realistic. Car seats are obviously extremely important. It is crucial that they fit your car properly, check when you are trying and buying that this car seat fits well in your car. Not all car seats fit all cars well! Until I was educated by an extremely helpful and knowledgable car seat expert at Kiddicare I knew nothing of buckle crunch and hadn't given a second thought to how differently shaped car seats are. As far as my research can find, isofix and inertia reel (seatbelt buckled) seats are as safe as one another PROVIDED they are fitted correctly. Maxi Cosi state that an alarming 8 out of 10 car seats are incorrectly fitted by new parents with an inertia reel, so make sure if you choose one like this you are shown exactly how to fit it. So the main benefit of isofix is it is much harder to fit them incorrectly. 

So, you want to buy a rear facing car seat because you've read it is the safest (I am a fan of the lie flat bassinets - there are only a handful on the market and they pass every test required of a carseat... another post to follow on which I chose and why). If you do get one, get something like this to go with it - a snugglebundl.

These clever things allow you to lift your child out seamlessly without waking them, you simply place them in the seat before the baby and then when you arrive at your destination you can lift them out using the blanket without manhandling them, and place them in a lie flat position. Magic. 

A real pet peeve of mine is seeing babies strapped in the front of the car, with parents giving the statement that they can check on them more easily. This is nonsense and it is distracting and potentially dangerous. Get a mirror that fits to your back seats and position it so you can glance at the baby, if you are concerned for their well being... pull over and get out. If for some reason you really need to strap your baby in the front seat of your car ensure your airbag is turned off. This goes for all children sitting in the front. Most cars have a little switch somewhere (often the door hinge) to turn off the passenger airbag, if you were to crash the airbag has the potential to crush and suffocate your child.

So, the real message here is: 

• Be knowledgable on your car seat, don't choose one that is trendy or cool, choose one that is safe and fits your car. 
• Don't leave your baby in their car seat longer than is absolutely necessary (i.e. the length of a car journey).
• Car seats are not prams. 
• Lying flat is ALWAYS best for babies.

NQP x  

Other Peoples Children

Other people's children are never quite as precious as your own. This is fact. I am a nanny and I truly love and have loved other peoples children but having your own is always the top. Other peoples children are significantly less precious when in public arenas. I'm not talking about that annoying child in a restaurant or on a plane. That is a whole different ball game. I'm talking about that child when you walk into a soft play centre that you just hope and pray is going to steer clear of your child. That's right, that one, the one kicking someone, or pelting balls at the younger children or (a real pet peeve of mine) climbing UP the slide.

So what do you when there is a run in with another child? Let me start by saying... I under no circumstances think that my child is an angel who does no wrong... in fact shortly after he turned 2 we had an instance where he was THAT child... shouting at other children, kicking a baby in the face (that's right, the face), pushing children off the bouncy castle. Suffice to say, we had to leave and thankfully have not an another day quite like that! 

So back to the point, do you tell other peoples children off? Personally, I tend to go for a reminder of the rules after ensuring the parent/carer isn't there to step in themselves, 'we only go down slides, remember!' or 'let's all go carefully, remember he's only small!' etc etc. I really hate that we are all so afraid of talking to other peoples children. If Seb was doing something wrong I would prefer he was reminded by another parent that this was not OK, or that they came an told me. Generally, I am always watching, but as they get bigger and disappear into enormous climbing frames and pirate ships it becomes harder and I appreciate that this is the same for other mothers. So unless you choose to stand next to your child at all times (which also... is not healthy - see my post on risk aversion societies!) then you have to accept that sometimes children are going to need to be reminded of the rules. 

I don't think there is an easy one size fits all solution to managing other people's children; here are my top tips:

1. Don't berate other peoples children. That will not make you friends and will almost certainly result in a very stroppy mother appearing. 
2. Do remind children of the rules or how to be safe - 'We only go down slides.'
3. Do make generic statements that apply to all children rather than singling out a child - 'we all need to take turns,' 'let's not push one another'. Even if you look directly at a specific child when you say it!
4. Do make sure your child is behaving in a manner you think is acceptable before worrying about what other children are doing! 

Let me know your thoughts on this in the comments below... maybe you think parents should never speak to other children? Or maybe you think we should be harder on other children.... let me know!

NQP x