Routine

Honest.

Sometimes, when people tell me my babies are 'good', I sort of want to shout... 'NO! I've worked on having a routine that works for us!!' But usually I smile coyly and instead spout something about being very lucky.  In recent years some parenting guidebooks have terrified new parents away from routine and leaving them to fend for themselves. All right, maybe a little dramatic, there are lots of guides that suggest different ways to establish a routine but generally the feedback I get from new parents is that it is a little overwhelming and over complicated.

It doesn't have to be. It is really simple. Decide how you want your day to work with feeds and sleeps and then label that your perfect day. You cannot have a perfect day everyday. This is fact. Babies are humans and some days they are hungrier, some days they are sleepier and some days they are just plain grumpier. If your routine goes to pot then shrug it off and start again tomorrow. It is never the end of the world and it certainly shouldn't be something to fret about.

Now... I have to be honest with you and admit that I LOVE routine. For myself. To my detriment sometimes. I am that person who always gets on the train in the same place (the perfect and most appropriate place on the train), my morning routine (pre children) was timed down to the minute (i.e. 6.27, brush teeth)... I hate myself a little for admitting this out loud. So I get that I am maybe a little extreme. But the reality is, babies also love and crave routine. From incredibly early on they learn a pattern, i.e. when I wake up, I get fed; or when I am given this snuggly toy, it is time to sleep. Giving your baby signals is comforting and means that the day isn't a constant surprise to them. This world is entirely new and baffling to the little cherub, so any familiarity is a source of comfort.

I like to aim for a four hour routine (it should never be more than four hours bar one long stint over night). My son got on board with this almost immediately, my daughter was on a three to four hour routine for much longer and still at 16 weeks flits between the two.

Ideally, my day would look something like this -

7am - Feed
8am - Sleep
11am - Feed
12pm - Sleep
3pm - Feed
4pm - Sleep
7pm - Feed
8pm - Sleep
11pm - Dreamfeed

But your timings may work better with a 6am or even an 8am start. As I mentioned, Camille couldn't hack 4 hours between feeds, she would sometimes feed at 7am and then 10am. And that's cool, because that is what worked for her and we made it work for us as a family. But knowing roughly when she was going to feed means I can do stuff with my big boy, I can travel at good times and I can plan feeds to work with the school run. 

At about 10/12 weeks, babies can manage a little longer awake. Camille now spends an hour and a half awake at each window. I tend to put her down in her pram for her sleeps in the day, this allows me to go out when I need to (particularly necessary with Seb and school runs for my niece and nephew) but also it makes rocking her back to sleep easy if she stirs. Babies commonly stir somewhere between 20 and 40 minutes into a sleep, this is totally normal and is to do with their sleep cycles. It doesn't mean that they want to wake up fully after this time as twenty minute cat naps are not great for anyone, especially a baby.

The third sleep in the day is always the first to shorten. This allows babies to have their awake window before the night time sleep. Camille is more of a grazer feeder than Seb and because of this she has settled to do a split feed at this time. So she will often wake somewhere between 4 and 5 and want a small feed, she will then feed again at about 6.30/45 before going to bed. This is a really good example of where knowing and being able to read your child is paramount to a good routine. There isn't a one size fits all routine for babies, or adults for that matter!

I have helped many families establish routines with their babies (both newborns and older) in the past. If you are interested in establishing a routine for your family and want a bit of guidance, do get in touch and we can work out what works best for you!

NQP

x

Other Peoples Children

Other people's children are never quite as precious as your own. This is fact. I am a nanny and I truly love and have loved other peoples children but having your own is always the top. Other peoples children are significantly less precious when in public arenas. I'm not talking about that annoying child in a restaurant or on a plane. That is a whole different ball game. I'm talking about that child when you walk into a soft play centre that you just hope and pray is going to steer clear of your child. That's right, that one, the one kicking someone, or pelting balls at the younger children or (a real pet peeve of mine) climbing UP the slide.

So what do you when there is a run in with another child? Let me start by saying... I under no circumstances think that my child is an angel who does no wrong... in fact shortly after he turned 2 we had an instance where he was THAT child... shouting at other children, kicking a baby in the face (that's right, the face), pushing children off the bouncy castle. Suffice to say, we had to leave and thankfully have not an another day quite like that! 

So back to the point, do you tell other peoples children off? Personally, I tend to go for a reminder of the rules after ensuring the parent/carer isn't there to step in themselves, 'we only go down slides, remember!' or 'let's all go carefully, remember he's only small!' etc etc. I really hate that we are all so afraid of talking to other peoples children. If Seb was doing something wrong I would prefer he was reminded by another parent that this was not OK, or that they came an told me. Generally, I am always watching, but as they get bigger and disappear into enormous climbing frames and pirate ships it becomes harder and I appreciate that this is the same for other mothers. So unless you choose to stand next to your child at all times (which also... is not healthy - see my post on risk aversion societies!) then you have to accept that sometimes children are going to need to be reminded of the rules. 

I don't think there is an easy one size fits all solution to managing other people's children; here are my top tips:

1. Don't berate other peoples children. That will not make you friends and will almost certainly result in a very stroppy mother appearing. 
2. Do remind children of the rules or how to be safe - 'We only go down slides.'
3. Do make generic statements that apply to all children rather than singling out a child - 'we all need to take turns,' 'let's not push one another'. Even if you look directly at a specific child when you say it!
4. Do make sure your child is behaving in a manner you think is acceptable before worrying about what other children are doing! 

Let me know your thoughts on this in the comments below... maybe you think parents should never speak to other children? Or maybe you think we should be harder on other children.... let me know!

NQP x

Risk aversion

A few days ago I shared a really interesting extract about a mothers endeavour to stop over parenting her children. This particular extract (available here) focuses on how her over parenting had lead her child to be unable to tie his shoelaces at age nine. We are lucky enough to live in a society in which our children are emotional assets; meaning we have kids because we want kids and they will make us happy. Not because we need them to plough the fields or earn us an income. This leads itself to us becoming hugely invested in every second of their life. We all are guilty of trekking after our little (and big) ones to various activities, standing on side lines in the cold, lovingly mending broken toys, buying new ones, indulging them in too much TV and endlessly picking up after them. I like to think that I encourage Seb to pick up after himself and at only two he is quite good at tidying away toys. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that it is often just easier and quicker to do it myself and then I don't have to have an argument with anyone!

Over protectiveness is hugely linked to how we allow children to manage risk. Managed risk in children's life is so important as it encourages and allows children to learn how to manage difficult situations and confrontation, builds self confidence and fundamentally is usually quite fun. If you compare your childhood to your own child's now, you will see what a loose leash you were given by your parents comparably to now. Maybe you walked alone to school at a younger age, maybe you were allowed into the fields or woods near your house, maybe you were allowed to play outside until dark?

We are all guilty of being over protective at some point. I had to sit on my hands in a huge soft play area the other day because Seb wanted to go into the big children's area on his own. Who am I to say no? What more of a managed risk could you ask for?! It is a totally contained soft play. What was the worst that could possibly happen? Of course he looked tiny next to the 4/5/6/7+ year olds but he didn't care. He had an absolute whale of a time and I sat nervously watching to see him appear at any of the netting areas on my side of the mammoth maze. 

So, top tips for allowing children to manage risk...

1. Ask yourself 'why?' Why am I saying no? Why am I doing this for my child? Why can't s/he do this for themself?
2. Don't run when they fall over. Naturally, this does not mean completely ignore them. Young children look to you for how to react to situations, if you are dramatically running over to them looking terrified, chances are they will cry and you won't actually know how bad the injuries are, if any! If you calmly say "whoopsie! Up we get!" you will quickly learn whether they are really hurt or maybe just need a quick brush down and off they pop. 
3. Enrol them in a forest school. Forest school sessions are becoming increasingly popular in both schools and pre-schools. If your child's school or pre-school doesn't have one, take a look online to see if any others do locally, sometimes you can just sign children up for these sessions. They are usually run by specifically qualified forest school staff and are entirely child led. This means, if they want to run around with sticks they can, if they want to look and bugs or climb trees, they can. The staff won't stop them within the bounds of what is safe, but what they percieve to be safe will be considerably more lenient than what regular teaching staff consider safe. (This is meant with no disregard to teaching staff, often they are limited by what is permitted within the school rules or fear of litigation.) 
4. Encourage them to do things for themselves where possible. I don't mean abandon them to do the dishes, but allow them to try. In our swimming lessons, if our child throws themselves from our arms we are encouraged to allow them to go under the water before picking them up again. This both allows them to know the risk of being on their own in the water but also permits them to try and learn further what they can achieve unaided. Each time you do something new with your child, take a little step back and see how much they can do alone. You might be surprised. 

It isn't easy. And sometimes it goes against your nature and need to protect your young. But it will honestly create a greater generation of adults who are confident and capable.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments box below.

NQP x

5 Top Tips for managing those terrifying toddler tantrums

Sometimes you just don’t see a toddler tantrum coming. Sometimes, something they do every day becomes something worth throwing themselves on the floor over and no one really knows why!

Sometimes however, they are preventable and all it takes is being a little proactive and having some foresight. Often it is similar situations that occur that cause the tantrum, now I am no advocate of changing your entire life to suit your toddlers latest whim… but there are often very small adaptations you can make.

1. Give your child choice. I don’t mean free reign to choose anything, but if the latest tantrum is about shoes, then offer two pairs and ask them to choose which they prefer. If you are already at the brink of a tantrum then you can still offer children a choice, ‘are you going to go on your scooter or hold mummys hand?’ (because sitting on the pavement isn’t really a viable option) or ‘are you going to help mummy choose the cheese in the supermarket? Shall we choose the red packet or the blue packet?’ Choice works as both a distraction technique and also prevents children from feeling trapped and dictated to. Children like to be able to exercise some control and this allows them to within the confines of what both fits in with your life and is safe. Always follow up with ‘good choice!’ Seb regularly congratulates me on my good choice so clearly I use those words a lot!
2. Pick your battles. This is a tough one, you have to choose the things that matter most to you and work on those and then work backwards to the others; remembering that lots of experiences for toddlers are new ones. 
3. Be consistent. This is where picking your battles is tricky and why you have to plan a little in advance what matters most (this is the foresight we talked about earlier!) If you really want them to sit on their bottom through the whole meal then that needs to happen and there needs to be warnings and consequences when it doesn’t. (See my time out article here) 
4. Communicate. If you've read many of my articles, you may be noticing a theme here. Communicate to your child what it is you are asking them to do. Or ask them to use their words so that you can help them. Lots of toddler tantrums leave us completely bewildered as to where they came from. I often find myself saying 'I want to help you, but I can't if you don't tell me what the problem is.' This is really empowering for children, sometimes they are confused by the world they are in and they just need acknowledging that it is OK to do what they are doing. Of course if what they are doing is not ok, then refer back to the previous points!
5. Stay calm. Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Tantrums often happen on days where you feel least equipped to manage them (this possibly is because we as mothers are tired from whatever sort of night we've had, so maybe haven't dealt with the moments leading up to this in the best possible way... but turns out, we are human too!) I find tantrums are most quickly resolved when I stay calm, using a stern voice without shouting, they are over much more quickly than when everything escalates to shouting. If you start shouting, you've got no where to go, so try and reserve it if you can. 

Do you have any questions about toddler tantrums? Maybe there is an area you feel I haven't covered. Do let me know in the comments box below!

NQP x

Tackling Time Out

I am not a huge fan of the term ‘naughty step’. I believe in the importance of labelling a child’s behaviour and not the child and it is likely that sitting a child on a naughty step will make the child think that they are naughty rather than that their behaviour is naughty. I also live in a bungalow and don’t have steps. But that’s neither here nor there. In my house we use the doormat and it is just called the doormat. It is an area of the house that you are not likely to need to use in the time the child is having their time out and everyone usually has one; so wherever you are you can implement the same consequence. Whatever you choose to use, be consistent with it. It is confusing for children to have time out spaces all over the house so try to just use one space.

It is really important to give your child warnings before they have to sit in their time out space because as I mentioned in my post about new experiences, children are still learning. We live a culture with a lot of social boundaries and expectations and we each have slightly different expectations. You can’t expect a child to immediately know how to behave in each of these instances. Sometimes a warning will also come with a distraction and importantly an explanation. Speak to your child! ‘Freddie, we mustn’t snatch. Suzie is having her turn at the moment and in a minute she might let you have a go. You wouldn’t like it if she snatched from you. Here we go why don’t you play with this toy and in a few minutes you can swap,’ as an example. It sounds obvious… but I can see that it is not. If this happens again, you remind them that they mustn’t snatch and that if it happens again they will be sitting out (or having time out, or sitting on the doormat… whatever your terminology.) Then if it happens again, sit them out. This naturally will vary slightly with the age of a child and the seriousness of the behaviour. My son is nearly two, he knows that hitting people is not allowed and if he hits someone he goes straight to the doormat. When he was younger however, he was given the benefit of the doubt initially, always.

When you first introduce your time out space, there should be a short introduction to sitting there, for example, you must stay here until mummy comes back to talk to you. You are here for hitting your brother and hitting people is not kind.

Then walk away.

If they get off the step/space, put them back. If they scream and shout. Let them. But remind them briefly, that you won’t be coming back until they calm down. I don’t usually give an amount of time to the child because I feel that different behaviours result in different times and sometimes calming down after an incident takes time for a child and generally speaking children have no concept of time.

When they are calm, or when you feel an appropriate amount of time has passed (think maybe a minute or two for a two year old, slightly more as they get older,) go back and sit with them at their level. This is not a time to shout and scream at them. The minutes they’ve sat out should have given you time to calm down if you have felt flustered or cross as well! Explain to them why they are sitting out, if they are young, keep this very brief, then explain what usually happens after this – is there someone they need to apologise to for example? Then when they are off the step, that incident is done. Forgotten. Move on. Don’t keep talking about what has happened, they have had their consequence and now we are moving forward. If they immediately do the same thing again, sit them back down. Remind them that this not OK and go through the process again.

Some top tips for managing tough behaviour:

·      Follow through! If you have warned them that they will have to sit out, sit them out when they exhibit the same behaviour.

·      Try not make ridiculous threats; if you do that again you’ll be sitting out all afternoon. No they won’t. Don’t cancel Christmas, or going to a party or friends house…these are things that you will not follow through on… (see point one)

·      Try not to tell a 2 year old to behave. It is something that slips out of our mouths so easily but means nothing to them. Explain that what they are doing is not acceptable behaviour.

·      Model good behaviour. You can’t expect children to ‘behave’ if they don’t know what that is. So show them, show them how to play, show them how to be gentle or take turns or share.

NQP x