Bonding - loving until your heart hurts

Before I had my son, I was worried about bonding with him or suffering from post natal depression. As a nanny I have loved and adored many children in my care and growing up as a carer for my younger sister with Down Syndrome, I loved her in a way that was more than just sisterly. Could I love my own child more than that? Would it feel different? Should it?

As it turns out, with Seb I needn't have worried. The moment he was born and placed on my chest I was utterly besotted and totally in love. I used to (and still regularly do) tell my husband that Seb made my heart hurt with love. When I fell pregnant the third time (following a miscarriage in the middle) I just assumed it would be the same. Why on earth wouldn't it be? 

After a much more difficult pregnancy (leaving me on bed rest for the last 4 weeks) I had the birth I wanted (read about that here) followed by a pretty grim post part haemorrhage. I had ten precious minutes of skin to skin with my baby girl in the birth pool before I was whipped onto the floor (I was at home - not just some shady backstreet hospital) and my midwife stemmed the bleed. I remember someone offering to put Camille on me, but I was weak, unable to really lift my arms and incredibly dozy; so I didn't think it was a good idea. With hindsight maybe I should have held her then. 

I next held my baby girl a good 2 hours later in hospital and this was the first time I could breastfeed her. It was magical and she nailed it like a superstar. Im very fortunate that in spite of the haemorrhage my milk still came in on day four as it should, some women aren't so lucky. I did my absolute best to bond with this gorgeous baby and it helped that because of the blood loss (and no transfusion) I had to be on bed rest for a week, however, I felt so dreadful and weak that it wasn't particularly 'special time' for us. On day 6 I had an ovarian cyst haemorrhage internally which led to another stay in hospital and some more feeling totally crap. 

So all in all, not the best start for us both. 

At three weeks I realised that I didn't feel for Camille, what I felt for Seb. Someone said to me when we were out introducing her to people 'Oh, I'll give her back in a minute, I remember that feeling of other people holding my newborn - it's lovely but secretly you can't wait to get them back.' I remember that feeling too - with Seb. It dawned on me then that I did not have those feelings for Camille. I was heartbroken. I tried to rationalise that I love Seb for the person he's become and that it isn't instant. But the reality was, I loved her because it is in my nature, because I would do anything for any child, but that was just it... she could have been any child. I would go through the motions with her, feeding, changing, winding... But I didn't have that love that makes your heart hurt and that in itself, hurt. 

How could I not be head over heels in love with this precious bundle?  

(credit Natasha Hanna photography)

I did some searching online and thank goodness for the online community of sharers (I genuinely don't know how people hacked parenting before the internet) I found I wasn't alone. It appears fairly common to have bonding issues both second time around and following post natal complications. 

I then made a very conscious effort to do these things -  

1. Skin to skin. Whenever I could. It was a faff whilst also looking after a toddler and attending his classes, as it turns out, you can't get naked at trampolining class! So skin to skin largely happened in the evening once Seb was in bed and we had time for a good cuddle. 
2. I made time for her. To stare lovingly into her eyes like you do with your precious first born. I made sure I used the time when Seb as at pre school to really focus on her. The washing could wait.
3. I gave myself time.  Birth is a natural and wonderful thing. But it is also pretty traumatic for your body and it takes time to heal, particularly when there are complications or illness. I knew I would love her like Seb in time. I focused on a positive future. 
4. Baby massage. The health visitor also suggested baby massage. It is definitely worth talking to your health visitor if you think you are struggling to bond with your baby. They won't think you are a bad mother and they will try to help. I was offered free baby massage sessions at a local children's centre, so cost doesn't even have to be an issue.  It was tricky for me to get to the classes offered with a toddler in tow so I instead started to include some baby massage in my bath routine and have signed up for a baby sensory class (while Seb is at pre school) as a nice one to one activity for us to share. 

Some weeks later, I looked one evening at her lying sound asleep in her cot and my heart ached for her. I cried with joy, as this was the feeling I had been waiting for. I just needed to get to know her a bit better.

The moment I felt my heart ache for her

We are now 4 and a half months in and I absolutely adore her. She is beautiful, expressive and very giggly. There were moments I feared this day wouldn't come, but they were absolutely worth waiting for. 

NQP

x

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Baby Number 2

So I have have spent the last few months buried under a pile of never ending washing that newborns seem to bring with them. Which has resulted in very little blogging... prior to that I was in a pit of depression about my SPD/PGP (post on that to come...).

Most importantly, I now have a gorgeous baby girl, Camille. Seb is being a wonderful big brother and absolutely adores her... admittedly she isn't trying to nab his toys yet... so I'm sure we have all that fun to come!

Best big brother

I had an absolutely amazingly perfect home birth. It was everything I hoped for. When I woke in the night for the third time, I realised that the pain I was feeling wasn't just SPD pain but in fact was the start of contractions, I remained calm though inside was bouncing up and down with excitement... my little girl was on her way! I managed, to his delight, not to wake the husband until 4am and that was only to let him know that I was in labour. He went back to sleep for a while after that whilst I listened to my Natal Hypnotherapy in a bid to continue to rest and get myself in the right frame of mind. My midwife arrived in the early morning and Seb woke up. We packaged him off to next door and Mr NQP set the pool up in the living room. At this point the contractions were still all over the place and not particularly strong. I found, unlike my first labour, that I was most comfortable lying down. 

Team work, through the contractions

'Do what your body tells you!' my midwife reminded me. So off we went to bed... I think we watched some friends episodes while everyone left us to stay in the calm. It wasn't long before they ramped up a gear and Friends just wasn't cutting it anymore! My midwife came back and upon seeing a contraction suggested maybe I should get in the pool! 

The pool was absolute bliss, so incredibly relaxing and just so comforting to be in my own home with the people I had chosen around me. As it was a home birth I was able to have loads of people, so as well as my husband and midwife, by the time I was in the pool I also had my mother, mother in law and just in time to see the delivery, my sister in law. Established labour for just three hours and my beautiful vernix covered baby arrived safe and sound. 

Happy, healthy baby girl

I had opted for a physiological third stage, this means no immediate injection of oxytocin to encourage the uterus to contract. I also had wanted delayed cord clamping but as the cord was fairly short and we were in water, after 10 minutes I asked for it to be cut as I was finding it hard to not drop Camille back under the water! A few moments later I had the urge to push, the placenta was delivered and unfortunately it was all downhill from there. I suffered a post partum haemorrhage and lost an estimated litre and a half of blood. However, if anything, this shows how safe home births can be. My dream team were quick to action and I was got carefully out of the pool and laid on the floor. The lovely, doting Grannies took Camille to dry and dress her and I was given synthetic oxytocin to stem the bleeding. An ambulance was called to get me to hospital. By the time the fabulous paramedics arrived, I'm told the bleeding was under control and they calmly took me off to hospital for fluids. I was fairly dozey throughout this, I felt very safe with my dream team, but a little like I was watching from the outside. I think at one point I asked if there was anything I could do, but was told fairly firmly just to lie still!

Once in hospital, I was well looked after by some lovely doctors and midwives, given some fluids and more syntocinon via IV to ensure the bleeding had well and truly stopped and had some clots removed, this was by far the worst part of the whole process and the only thing I needed gas and air for! This whole process, though entirely necessary, was a little gutting as it meant I then had to spend the night in hospital which is what I was desperately trying to avoid! Camille was brought in by my mother in law and sister in law and I had a little cry as I saw her for the first time since the birth a few hours before. We shared lots of hugs and I fed her for the first time. 

First feed and skin to skin

When we were eventually discharged from hospital the next afternoon armed with iron tablets and a promise to take it easy. We took our little Camille home to meet her big brother. The next couple of weeks were pretty tough, she was an absolute trouper but I found my continuing bed boundness (not a word...) extremely frustrating. But with very low iron, I really needed to rest. I was so sick of bed already but this was the only way I was going to get better!

I am incredibly lucky to have an incredibly supportive family, especially my husband. He was an absolute rock during labour, always doing the right thing at the right time and remaining remarkably calm, even at a time that was more than a little scary for him. So a huge thank you to him and all the family for their marvellous love and support.

So here she is at 16 weeks (oh my goodness, where does the time go) and she is an absolute angel. The smiliest girl I know and absolutely perfect (I promise, I'm not biased...) I hope to carry on giving you some insights into parenting, how I see it, my top tips both as a nanny and as a mother and hopefully some giggles along the way. 

NQP

x