Parenting as a team

There is no greater test of a marriage or relationship than having a child. It is one of the most difficult and the most important jobs you will ever have and will push you and your partner to the limit. This is why it is so important to ensure you and your other half are on the same team! You may find that one of you is naturally 'harder' than the other and it is very tricky to change your nature... but it is important that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. 

In your generic family where the mummy is the main care giver, she becomes the expert and fathers can often feel left out or like they are always getting it wrong. Particularly in the early days when the plan changes all the time, i.e. last week we rocked him after his milk to make him sleep... this week however that makes him vomit! This continues as they get older but it might be about how to manage them swearing, hitting, not eating dinner... you get the picture!

As a childcare professional, my husband was accepting from day dot that this was my bag and he was happy to follow my lead. That is not to say that I always get it right (who does?!) or that I don't value and ask for his opinion. In fact, Seb has been having trouble getting to sleep lately... or rather the little monkey would rather climb out of his cot 87 times before going to sleep. On one particular evening where I was tired and fed up with this trend (excuses, excuses...) after putting him back in bed quietly with a firm goodnight for the tenth time, I shouted at him to stay in his bed. I then left his room very cross with myself because I had lost control. Five minutes later I hear Mr. NQP shouting at him to stay in bed. I gave him a puzzled look as he came out of the room... 
'I was copying what you were doing?' He responded.
I felt awful! Poor Seb got a mouthful from both parents because I lost my temper and Husband thought that was the 'new plan!' Doh. 

1. Communicate! Talk to each other. Preferably before the event. If Seb is exhibiting some new behaviour I try and explain to husband how I am dealing with it... i.e. we are ignoring this, or he knows now this is an immediate doormat offence, or try saying this to calm him down. Consistency is so important for children and will really help your marriage.
2. Only pick them up on the things that really matter. With tiny babies it is easy to get obsessed with routine, or the way you got them to sleep one day, or how to get them dressed or change their nappy... if your other half does it slightly differently... but it got the job done... then leave it be! They are trying just as hard as you, they just have even less time to perfect their parenting skills.  If it really makes a difference or they are making matters worse then step in, but make sure it's in a helpful, meaningful way!
3. Try not to play good cop, bad cop. There is no need for it. If one parent is managing behaviour, let them manage it through to the end including the reconciliation. Nothing makes a parent feel worse than them having to be the bad guy all the time. 

Happy team parenting! Thoughts and comments below!

NQP x

Bad influences

Seb is lucky enough to spend a lot of time with his older cousins aged 6 and 11. He absolutely adores and idolises them which for the most part is fab as they are both wonderful with him. Spending time with older children can be great in lots of ways, it encourages children to progress faster as they are eager to copy and learn, it encourages good social skills and encourages mature behaviour.

HOWEVER - spending time with children significantly older also has its draw backs. Despite never watching anything on TV about anyone dying or anything with violence ( CBeebies and Peppa pig are low on this aspect!) he has spent the last week running around the house shouting 'die die die!' This made me really cross! What an awful thing to say! So I started by explaining that this was not nice. Then I started getting cross with him and tried explaining that it would upset people (namely me apparently!) After a few days of this my husband asked me what I would do if Seb swore. 'Ignore it completely' I quickly replied. 
'So... Why are you not doing the same with this?' 

Oh.

He was so right, I was making such a big deal about it because it really bothered me! So we ignored it, his cousins were also instructed to ignore it and do you know what... He stopped saying it! A few days later he delightfully came out with both 'I'm going to chop your head off' and 'I'm gona kick you in the balls.' Marvellous. But this time I was on it - everyone was instructed to ignore it and after initial sniggers from his cousins they got it and it seems to have disappeared. 

I await the next fabulous phrase...

1. Ignore. Try and ignore those choice phrases or swear words. Highlighting them only makes them think it is big and clever! You might need to apologise or explain to those around you, but ignoring is definitely a tried and tested method!
2. Cut off the source. Try and stop where the bad words/phrases are coming from. Is it a TV programme... is it you?! I have definitely stopped saying Oh God because it just sounds so odd coming from a two year olds mouth. Obviously, I can't and won't stop him spending time with his cousins but I have spent time with them both encouraging them to think about what they are saying and pull them up when they actively encourage him to say 'hilarious' things!

What awful things have your little ones come out with?

NQPx

Risk aversion

A few days ago I shared a really interesting extract about a mothers endeavour to stop over parenting her children. This particular extract (available here) focuses on how her over parenting had lead her child to be unable to tie his shoelaces at age nine. We are lucky enough to live in a society in which our children are emotional assets; meaning we have kids because we want kids and they will make us happy. Not because we need them to plough the fields or earn us an income. This leads itself to us becoming hugely invested in every second of their life. We all are guilty of trekking after our little (and big) ones to various activities, standing on side lines in the cold, lovingly mending broken toys, buying new ones, indulging them in too much TV and endlessly picking up after them. I like to think that I encourage Seb to pick up after himself and at only two he is quite good at tidying away toys. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that it is often just easier and quicker to do it myself and then I don't have to have an argument with anyone!

Over protectiveness is hugely linked to how we allow children to manage risk. Managed risk in children's life is so important as it encourages and allows children to learn how to manage difficult situations and confrontation, builds self confidence and fundamentally is usually quite fun. If you compare your childhood to your own child's now, you will see what a loose leash you were given by your parents comparably to now. Maybe you walked alone to school at a younger age, maybe you were allowed into the fields or woods near your house, maybe you were allowed to play outside until dark?

We are all guilty of being over protective at some point. I had to sit on my hands in a huge soft play area the other day because Seb wanted to go into the big children's area on his own. Who am I to say no? What more of a managed risk could you ask for?! It is a totally contained soft play. What was the worst that could possibly happen? Of course he looked tiny next to the 4/5/6/7+ year olds but he didn't care. He had an absolute whale of a time and I sat nervously watching to see him appear at any of the netting areas on my side of the mammoth maze. 

So, top tips for allowing children to manage risk...

1. Ask yourself 'why?' Why am I saying no? Why am I doing this for my child? Why can't s/he do this for themself?
2. Don't run when they fall over. Naturally, this does not mean completely ignore them. Young children look to you for how to react to situations, if you are dramatically running over to them looking terrified, chances are they will cry and you won't actually know how bad the injuries are, if any! If you calmly say "whoopsie! Up we get!" you will quickly learn whether they are really hurt or maybe just need a quick brush down and off they pop. 
3. Enrol them in a forest school. Forest school sessions are becoming increasingly popular in both schools and pre-schools. If your child's school or pre-school doesn't have one, take a look online to see if any others do locally, sometimes you can just sign children up for these sessions. They are usually run by specifically qualified forest school staff and are entirely child led. This means, if they want to run around with sticks they can, if they want to look and bugs or climb trees, they can. The staff won't stop them within the bounds of what is safe, but what they percieve to be safe will be considerably more lenient than what regular teaching staff consider safe. (This is meant with no disregard to teaching staff, often they are limited by what is permitted within the school rules or fear of litigation.) 
4. Encourage them to do things for themselves where possible. I don't mean abandon them to do the dishes, but allow them to try. In our swimming lessons, if our child throws themselves from our arms we are encouraged to allow them to go under the water before picking them up again. This both allows them to know the risk of being on their own in the water but also permits them to try and learn further what they can achieve unaided. Each time you do something new with your child, take a little step back and see how much they can do alone. You might be surprised. 

It isn't easy. And sometimes it goes against your nature and need to protect your young. But it will honestly create a greater generation of adults who are confident and capable.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments box below.

NQP x

The importance of role play

Role play is a hugely important part of children's development. One of my nanny families expressed a huge interest in their child (aged 3) learning maths and the alphabet and were concerned that all their son seemed to do at nursery was play...

I took a deep breath and explained to them the importance of play at this age, how valuable it is to children and the many areas it can help to develop. I could go on and on but I will try in this post to just focus on role play. 

This came up at home today, because Seb recently got some Playmobile for his 2nd birthday, which he absolutely loves. He has named one Seb, one Mummy (the pregnant one... clever boy ;-) and one Daddy. He put them all in the car today, all that is except Mummy who was put on the doormat. Now, if you have read some of my other posts, you will know that this is our time out spot. 

'Oh dear!' I exclaimed. 'What has Mummy done? Is she sitting on the doormat?'

'Hitting,' was the response. He then walked into the lounge and shut the door to the hall, as we would do when he has time out. I asked him who mummy hit to which he replied 'Daddy.' Daddy and I had a little giggle at this, whilst also secretly hoping that this wasn't a conversation that went on outside the house and just for the record... Mr. NQP and I do not hit each other (or anyone for that matter)! We then discussed with Seb what should happen next and concluded that Playmobile Mummy needed to say sorry to Playmobile Daddy because hitting is unkind and then it would be time to move on and they can go on their trip in the car (which was the original plan!) Seb diligently went and spoke to Playmobile Mummy and she said sorry to Daddy and got in the car. 

It was brilliant to watch, as Seb has recently (since he got the memo about being two and therefore terrible) been hitting a lot. People, toys, books, chairs, anything that frustrates him. On this particular day he had been to the doormat twice for hitting, so to see him role play it out, with him being on the other side of the battle was really interesting and hopefully a development in his understanding of hitting. Watch this space. 

Though sometimes confusing and frustrating, it is important to allow children to navigate these role plays (rather than me saying, 'no! Mummy hasn't been naughty.' Or 'mummies don't sit on the doormat!') Role play is how children explore situations that they are endeavouring to make sense of. This 'making sense of' is often why children enjoy role playing dramatic situations that they are unlikely to have been in, like policemen, firemen and paramedics, but also those 'close to home' situations like mummies and daddies. Some children like to physically be each character through dressing up and some prefer to role play with figures like dolls or Playmobile. Both are valuable and neither is better than the other. Children are also able in these types of situations to stretch their imaginations and explore further situations. This is something that I pointed out to my nanny family, developing imagination is vital for all different aspects of learning, not just literacy but as wide spread as creative problem solving (key for the keen mathematician father!)

So the key points are:

1. Indulge your children's role play, it is an amazing insight into how they perceived a situation and also how they may resolve one. 
2. Don't be concerned when they take examples to the extreme. This is really normal and is usually just children flexing their imagination. 
3. Provide role play opportunities. Toy people of some sort or dressing up make a great addition to any set of children's toys. We chose Playmobile because it is something that can be added to over many birthdays and Christmases and has many different settings (i.e. home, hotel, pirate ship, playground etc!) and can be played with for many many years to come!

If you would like to know more about role play, KiddyChart has some great info on her blog here... 

Don't forget you can comment below if you would like to know more or if you have any other links which might be useful!

NQP x

What about me? Post labour must haves...

There are endless lists and blog posts about what you actually need for a newborn baby. It is usually significantly shorter than the list most shops would like you to have... but that is not to say that other 'non essential' items can't come in handy too!

I thought it might be useful to think about the things that you will need for you after having a baby. After baby number one, I felt I was totally prepared for looking after a new born (OK, being a nanny before hand probably had a lot to do with that... I am also blessed with an amazingly supportive family on both sides!) But I felt woefully unprepared for how I would feel post labour. I mean, when you apply logic, it makes sense that your body might feel just a little traumatised after pushing a little one out... but I suppose at the time you are so busy thinking about what your little baby will be like and need, you forget about you.

So, if you have had a baby you probably know a lot of these things, but maybe pass them on to your friends who are having babies and maybe add to the list if you think there is something I missed.

1. Arnica tablets.  You will be a little battered, bruised and swollen down there. Start taking these as soon as you can post labour. They do not recommend you take them whilst breastfeeding, but I know this is something midwives often recommend breastfeeding or not, so maybe consult yours if you aren't sure.
   
2. A LOT of maternity pads. You really can't have to many, personal choice for me was Sainsbury, they were comfortable and inexpensive but I definitely didn't buy enough and had to keep sending people to get me more.
3. Big pants. You will want something soft and not too tight fitting and smart money says buy black... just incase. 
4. Flax seed.  I ate porridge with blueberries, banana and honey for breakfast for the first couple of weeks, sprinkled with a good tablespoon of flax seed  The first number two after having a baby is fairly terrifying, and you may well feel like your whole insides might fall out with the pressure. Flax seed is really good at getting everything moving and helps to prevent you from getting constipated. 
   
5. Comfy leggings. I couldn't put jeans (even maternity ones) on for probably two weeks. Admittedly I had an infection which didn't help, but I just couldn't bear the tightness of jeans so lived in a variety of leggings and different shirts/ long tops. 
6. Vest tops. Cheap and cheerful vest tops if you are breastfeeding will be your best friend. I didn't get on very well with any of the breastfeeding specific type tops and personally I find them to be ridiculously expensive. I far preferred to wear two tops, the top (usually a looser type) would lift up and the under one would pull down. This isn't particularly good for the straps, hence the cheap variety being key! It meant I could feed anywhere with modesty and ease!
7. Good food in the freezer.  Whether you want to batch cook before or buy a bunch of Cook meals (they do a 10% discount for new mums!)  it is worth having a variety in. It is so important for your recovery and your milk if you are feeding that you eat well during this time. 
8. Tea and coffee.  You will get a ton of visitors when the wee one arrives, so be prepared! 

I hope this helps prepare you for your new baby! 

NQPx

5 Top Tips for managing those terrifying toddler tantrums

Sometimes you just don’t see a toddler tantrum coming. Sometimes, something they do every day becomes something worth throwing themselves on the floor over and no one really knows why!

Sometimes however, they are preventable and all it takes is being a little proactive and having some foresight. Often it is similar situations that occur that cause the tantrum, now I am no advocate of changing your entire life to suit your toddlers latest whim… but there are often very small adaptations you can make.

1. Give your child choice. I don’t mean free reign to choose anything, but if the latest tantrum is about shoes, then offer two pairs and ask them to choose which they prefer. If you are already at the brink of a tantrum then you can still offer children a choice, ‘are you going to go on your scooter or hold mummys hand?’ (because sitting on the pavement isn’t really a viable option) or ‘are you going to help mummy choose the cheese in the supermarket? Shall we choose the red packet or the blue packet?’ Choice works as both a distraction technique and also prevents children from feeling trapped and dictated to. Children like to be able to exercise some control and this allows them to within the confines of what both fits in with your life and is safe. Always follow up with ‘good choice!’ Seb regularly congratulates me on my good choice so clearly I use those words a lot!
2. Pick your battles. This is a tough one, you have to choose the things that matter most to you and work on those and then work backwards to the others; remembering that lots of experiences for toddlers are new ones. 
3. Be consistent. This is where picking your battles is tricky and why you have to plan a little in advance what matters most (this is the foresight we talked about earlier!) If you really want them to sit on their bottom through the whole meal then that needs to happen and there needs to be warnings and consequences when it doesn’t. (See my time out article here) 
4. Communicate. If you've read many of my articles, you may be noticing a theme here. Communicate to your child what it is you are asking them to do. Or ask them to use their words so that you can help them. Lots of toddler tantrums leave us completely bewildered as to where they came from. I often find myself saying 'I want to help you, but I can't if you don't tell me what the problem is.' This is really empowering for children, sometimes they are confused by the world they are in and they just need acknowledging that it is OK to do what they are doing. Of course if what they are doing is not ok, then refer back to the previous points!
5. Stay calm. Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Tantrums often happen on days where you feel least equipped to manage them (this possibly is because we as mothers are tired from whatever sort of night we've had, so maybe haven't dealt with the moments leading up to this in the best possible way... but turns out, we are human too!) I find tantrums are most quickly resolved when I stay calm, using a stern voice without shouting, they are over much more quickly than when everything escalates to shouting. If you start shouting, you've got no where to go, so try and reserve it if you can. 

Do you have any questions about toddler tantrums? Maybe there is an area you feel I haven't covered. Do let me know in the comments box below!

NQP x

Tackling Time Out

I am not a huge fan of the term ‘naughty step’. I believe in the importance of labelling a child’s behaviour and not the child and it is likely that sitting a child on a naughty step will make the child think that they are naughty rather than that their behaviour is naughty. I also live in a bungalow and don’t have steps. But that’s neither here nor there. In my house we use the doormat and it is just called the doormat. It is an area of the house that you are not likely to need to use in the time the child is having their time out and everyone usually has one; so wherever you are you can implement the same consequence. Whatever you choose to use, be consistent with it. It is confusing for children to have time out spaces all over the house so try to just use one space.

It is really important to give your child warnings before they have to sit in their time out space because as I mentioned in my post about new experiences, children are still learning. We live a culture with a lot of social boundaries and expectations and we each have slightly different expectations. You can’t expect a child to immediately know how to behave in each of these instances. Sometimes a warning will also come with a distraction and importantly an explanation. Speak to your child! ‘Freddie, we mustn’t snatch. Suzie is having her turn at the moment and in a minute she might let you have a go. You wouldn’t like it if she snatched from you. Here we go why don’t you play with this toy and in a few minutes you can swap,’ as an example. It sounds obvious… but I can see that it is not. If this happens again, you remind them that they mustn’t snatch and that if it happens again they will be sitting out (or having time out, or sitting on the doormat… whatever your terminology.) Then if it happens again, sit them out. This naturally will vary slightly with the age of a child and the seriousness of the behaviour. My son is nearly two, he knows that hitting people is not allowed and if he hits someone he goes straight to the doormat. When he was younger however, he was given the benefit of the doubt initially, always.

When you first introduce your time out space, there should be a short introduction to sitting there, for example, you must stay here until mummy comes back to talk to you. You are here for hitting your brother and hitting people is not kind.

Then walk away.

If they get off the step/space, put them back. If they scream and shout. Let them. But remind them briefly, that you won’t be coming back until they calm down. I don’t usually give an amount of time to the child because I feel that different behaviours result in different times and sometimes calming down after an incident takes time for a child and generally speaking children have no concept of time.

When they are calm, or when you feel an appropriate amount of time has passed (think maybe a minute or two for a two year old, slightly more as they get older,) go back and sit with them at their level. This is not a time to shout and scream at them. The minutes they’ve sat out should have given you time to calm down if you have felt flustered or cross as well! Explain to them why they are sitting out, if they are young, keep this very brief, then explain what usually happens after this – is there someone they need to apologise to for example? Then when they are off the step, that incident is done. Forgotten. Move on. Don’t keep talking about what has happened, they have had their consequence and now we are moving forward. If they immediately do the same thing again, sit them back down. Remind them that this not OK and go through the process again.

Some top tips for managing tough behaviour:

·      Follow through! If you have warned them that they will have to sit out, sit them out when they exhibit the same behaviour.

·      Try not make ridiculous threats; if you do that again you’ll be sitting out all afternoon. No they won’t. Don’t cancel Christmas, or going to a party or friends house…these are things that you will not follow through on… (see point one)

·      Try not to tell a 2 year old to behave. It is something that slips out of our mouths so easily but means nothing to them. Explain that what they are doing is not acceptable behaviour.

·      Model good behaviour. You can’t expect children to ‘behave’ if they don’t know what that is. So show them, show them how to play, show them how to be gentle or take turns or share.

NQP x